Shades of the Self

[Author's Note: Songfic ending! "Carry On, Wayward Son" by Kansas. | Quotes and scenes are from ep 24 subbed, ep 26 dubbed. | "Fifth House" refers to horoscopes, the fifth house being where Leo resides. You can figure it out from there. ~_^ | I think I won't bother with the language warnings anymore, since it seems I'm required to have at least one swear word per chapter.]

"I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I'm all out of bubble gum."

-Rowdy Roddy Piper, "They Live"

Quatre pressed the red button protruding from the device. And grinned. Dozens of explosions went off all around the hangar, annihilating that portion of the colony. The urge to laugh overwhelmed him and a demented chuckle filled the void left by the explosions. Yet it was abruptly cut off in a gasp as something akin to a nightmare feeling flooded his mind. The detonator fell from his hand, clattering across the floor. His hands flew up to clutch his head -- or rather, the helmet, as a barrage of blinding yellow light invaded his senses, causing him to cry out and silencing the joy that had come from the thought of killing.
Something wormed its way into his mind, halting all voluntary action for several moments. Now filling the void was panicked breathing, the occasional anguished whimper...and the thing trying to find a focus in his thoughts. There is to be no joy. Happiness is not necessary. Happiness caused by the safety included with self-protection -- weapons for defense against false enemies -- is not necessary.
There are no more weapons here.
Quatre went cold. Laughter was no longer an option. He had an obligation to disarm all those who carried weapons. The thing invading his mind latched onto one thought, then another, through the chaos finding purchase within his intelligence and arranging strategic points to attack. The start of all the grief, a resource satellite...just a thing to be owned, which the colonists didn't truly need if they were only going to manufacture weapons on it...The yellow light faded. The pilot was set. ZERO need not interefere further.
Elsewhere another pilot sat observing silently. "Hehn. What a waste of good engineers." The girl Quatre had known as Irina smirked. Oh well. Have to get rid of the evidence sooner or later. She had narrowly avoided the blast herself. She couldn't leave right after Quatre because he might have noticed. However, as it was she did not worry about Wing picking up on Thunderforce's signal; the ZERO system identified the other suit as part of its own sys, therefore rending it inconsequential to the pilot.
At the moment she paid avid attention to the data being transferred from the sys monitor she'd had hooked up to WingZero. Something odd seemed to be happening. A light smirk lifted the corners of her mouth. ZERO was indeed preying on Quatre's fragile sanity, setting him on the path she had been attempting to influence. As Wing burst into motion she made to follow at a safe distance back; there was still a chance regular visual might pick her up. The data patch ensured that she wouldn't lose track of her pet project.

Alexis stayed a sector behind when Quatre approached the OZ-covered satellite. They would be able to spot her no problem. So she accepted the unstable view through the weak screen connection and listened to the intercepted OZ frequency. They can't destroy it, the fools... When Quatre fired on the satellite her heart stopped for the seconds it took the blast to hit. And then it pounded wildly as the resulting explosion destroyed everything that got in its way, MS and all. The adrenaline rush seemed to affect Quatre's breathing but she drowned it out with a burst of laughter. Beautiful! This would more than complete her revenge. She slumped back in her seat, smiling in sated haze. She couldn't wait to see what the power would do to a colony!
She typed in the coordinates of a predicted destination, intending to reach it first so she would have a good view of the futile struggle of the colony's residents. It might be an interesting battle, though -- after all, some of the colonies could defend themselves, unlike the satellite.

She had just enough time to transmit an image of Thunderforce's helmet to a certain lab before Quatre struck again. It called for another peal of laughter on Alexis' part. They wouldn't have been able to evacuate without giving away their secret, unauthorized laboratory. They could only huddle in the dark as the soldiers, oblivious to any remaining civilians, fought to stop the new gundam. She wished she could have seen their faces, but this had been enough.
She had paid back the scientists who had created her.

Quatre flinched. He glanced back and forth suspiciously even though there was nothing to see but the inside of the cockpit. He had the unsettling feeling that someone was out there, watching his every move -- and it had nothing to do with the something which seemed to hover at the edge of his consciousness ready to jump in and force his hand should he stray from the mission. He decided to ignore the paranoia and went ahead with issuing a warning to the next colony. The people deserved a chance to choose whether to abandon their weapons or use them, but that was all.
Yet he flinched again. He thought he saw something moving across the regular visual. Maybe he wasn't paranoid, after all.

On the way to the next target Alexis caught an OZ transmission. They were preparing to meet the new threat at the colony. She smiled; now to see WingZero against a real challenge. "His former colleagues, too," she murmured after hacking into the OZ database -- after all, she had to know who she might have to face should Quatre fall to them. Somewhere in her mind the thought came up that she would end up being clean up crew.

Quatre slipped into the now empty colony. The people had been wise this time and had realized their weapons were useless against him. With chilling indifference he reduced random objects to mere rubble. Maybe he would leave the colony in one piece so people could return and see how pointless their toys were...The things of amusement and joy and what made life easier for people who had no idea how hard living actually was.
An alert sounded. OZ was around. He would show them...show them that the colonists needed to learn what real battle was like.
He took the fight outside. More Leos fell. Yet there was one blue suit that managed to avoid his attack.
"Quatre, this is Trowa. Can you hear me, Quatre?"
"Yes, I hear you, Trowa. Now there is something I want to hear, Trowa..."
The thing suddenly descended on his mind, seeming almost anxious. ::That suit has weapons. We don't care who the pilot is. No one should have weapons.::
Quatre tried to warn him. But he came too close, too fast! But...he had to show Trowa that it was wrong to have weapons...
And he fired upon the unsuspecting Vayeate.....

What a fucking disaster. Alexis gripped the controls and had to make a concerted effort to stop herself from turning Thunderforce's mace around and directing a sonic blast into the portion of the colony where the mentally-recovered Quatre was tending the injured Heero Yuy. Alexis swore again, aloud, and slammed her fist down on a button-free panel. She hoped to Hell that there would be a new mental disruption from causing the death of a friend. Barton deserves what he gets for spoiling my weapon!
She growled and sped to search the debris before OZ arrived. If there was anything left of that wretched boy she wanted to be the one to pick up the pieces and then stomp on them.
Can't have perfectly good pilots just floating around in space, now can we?

Quatre felt calm despite how the threat of death loomed over both him and Heero -- and it was no longer WingZero that posed the threat. Next it was OZ who held them, and then the Treize Faction interfered, then on to the dubious safety of the gundam scientists. He didn't feel too overjoyed at a reunion with Instructor H. There was too much darkness surrounding the situation. He found himself preoccupied with wondering if Trowa had survived, and questioning just why the scientists were concerned about brainwaves affected by an MS system...He had to admit -- only to himself -- that he felt like his mind had been invaded by something corrupt. Yet it seemed so far away now...His father's anger, his sister's reassurance, the satellite, the shuttle, his own blinding anger...
Was that it? Had he been blind to what he had been doing? That girl, Irina...Hadn't she only wanted to help him?
Quatre numbly followed Heero around, neither of them speaking -- the former was too muddled in thought and the latter had nothing to say to the former. Finally Heero settled at a computer and hacked into OZ's active files to access what they had found out about WingZero, discussing as much with Quatre, who remained distracted.
"Heero, I've been wondering who our allies are and who our enemies are in this war...I get confused thinking about it..."
"Quatre..."
"Hmm?"
"The ones after your life and the targets you aim to defeat are always the enemy."
"Yeah, but what if you find out you were mistaken?" His thoughts returned to Irina.
"Quatre, we're not mistaken about this; but it's possible this period of war has gone nuts."
Heero had a point, but he was wrong about one thing. Quatre had made a mistake, one that had cost Trowa, his father, and Irina more than he'd ever meant to take.

"Alexis, come in. Alexis...Respond, damnit!"
The girl hissed in exasperation and crossed the tiny docking station, discarding her helmet with a careless toss before hopping into TF's open cockpit. She gave a cheerful wave to the enraged face that came up on the screen.
"Why?"
One word, filled with venom. Suddenly her visage rivaled it. "I told you the day I left. You should be grateful you escaped."
"I lost all my research."
"Bull," she snorted. "I know you have another lab. That's why you weren't present at the time."
The face of Advisor V became calm. It immediately set her on the defensive. "Very well then. Did you at least get the samples?"
She snorted again. "I got away alive. That's the best I could do...Although..." Her expression curled into a devious smile. "I found a new toy, if you're interested..."
"Who?" the old man asked warily.
"He's currently drifting away from a battle but if you'd care to send the funds I could attempt a rescue effort."
"Who?"
"Trowa Barton. Or did you have your heart set on the Winner brat?"
The Advisor scowled, then replied, "See to it. We have sufficient funds now. The documents detailing ZERO proved saleable."
Now it was Alexis' turn to ask, "Who?"
"Fifth house."
"You're joking. I thought he was the enemy..?"
"Our project comes before the war."
"If you say so."
"Now get back to your mission. I don't care who, I just need one of those pilots."
"Fine." Alexis flipped her hair then waved again. The message closed. She sat back, waited a few minutes, then indulged in a disdainful laugh. She could retrieve Barton...but she never said when.
She fetched her helmet then went about powering up Thunderforce. She had more toys waiting to be played with, mainly one OZ base that was just asking to be the test site for her sonic glaive.

The new data coming from WingZero was quite interesting. OZ had found a new toy, too, and they didn't realize what they were getting into. Alexis smirked. Maybe Quatre would try to take his gundam back. That would be entertaining. Yet as she began to near the Moon base the readings suddenly went haywire, as someone other than an OZ monitoring system took over the suit. "Ooo...That isn't Quatre...Interesting..."
The Moon base was reduced to utter chaos a short while later.
Alexis snuck in to test her mace on the Virgos, not caring that she was helping the gundam pilots escape. When Thunderforce alerted her to a departing shuttle, she tagged it immediately, knowing without question that it contained Quatre and the pilot who had produced such fascinating results from WingZero. She could track it to Earth, but for now her duty remained in space.

Quatre typed in the coordinates to what he hoped would be a safezone and set the shuttle on autopilot. He needed some time to himself to think. With Heero unconscious there was little chance of a disturbance anyway. Except that Heero was the cause of the slight disturbance which possessed him now. The thoughts he considered centered on a long-ago ally's words of newtype and spaceheart. He had felt a thought exchange in that moment of clairvoyance back in the base after he had spoken of space not needing them...and Heero had known who needed them. He had tried to discern the answer with his spaceheart but could only tell that Earth was where they had to go. It had been an odd experience yet it had also felt...right. And after such a strong connection he had to wonder if there wasn't more to Heero than he'd first thought.
And, later, Quatre would wonder how the others had fared throughout these latest trials of a war they had lost all control over. If they'd had any control to begin with.

Carry on, my wayward son,
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more.

There was one thing with the power to unite them all -- or rather, unite each with his own thoughts. The ZERO, leaving devastation and hope within its wake.

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high
Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a madman

Quatre came to regret all he had done, ever unable to forgive himself for losing touch with his true self and giving himself over to the ravages of a machine's uncaring power.

I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say

Carry on, my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season

Wufei considered himself secure in his belief. Weak people used weapons foolishly -- destroying others without heed, or unable to survive because they lacked proper hold over what they wielded.

And if I claim to be a wise man
It surely means that I don't know

Duo had to wonder -- why the images of Deathscythe as his enemy? He was Shinigami. Deathscythe was an extension of himself. Just another part of Death. How could a part be an enemy of the whole?

On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean

Trowa found himself vulnerable. For so long he hadn't formed ties with anyone. Yet one instant had taken everything away from him, and another shown him that he did indeed hold special connections with people -- respect, family, friendship, things he hadn't thought of as pertinent to his being.

I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say

Carry on, my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life's no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you

When it came right down to it, Heero and Zechs were looking toward the exact same goal -- being the soldiers who protected Relena and her dream of Total Pacifism. They would fight for it, but it was ultimately her hope and innocence that would make the people wish for it.

Carry on, my wayward son
For there'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Now don't you cry no more

Back to the Fanfic page

(c) 2001-2004 Autumn Loweck. This work may not be copied, distributed, or reprinted without the author's permission. Characters of Alexis/Irina, Advisor V, and mecha ThunderForce are property of Autumn Loweck (aka Shiri) and may not be "borrowed" or mentioned in other works without notifying the author first. Characters of Quatre, Trowa, Heero, Duo, Wufei, Zechs, OZ, and WingZERO belong to the creators of the GundamWing series, Sotsu Agency, Sunrise, Bandai, and whoever else in Japan involved in this most cool anime.