Shades of the Self

[Author's Note: Some quotes borrowed from GW episode 21 dub | Btw, we don't need Duo to have foul language. ^_^; ]

"...I don't think I'll be much use as a hostage. No one loves me and I don't love anyone..."

-Quatre, Ep Zero manga, Act 4

Whirling shadows. Angry darkness. Harsh whispers and cruelly teasing instances of light. They all wove through his dreams. Neither nightmares nor real images. Merely fragments of things. They twisted past him, leaving him alone with his sorrow and the madness that entwined itself throughout his mind, turning ordinary things into hideous things, heedlessly destroying his perception while planting ambitions he had never known before. Real revenge, true bloodlust, and more, everything that went against what he had once believed in, all that he had been taught. Peaceful will to be sacrificed. Kind heart to be pierced.
Shadows streaming by him...Quatre tried to fight the images in his head. Needed to wake up...He struggled to find at least half-consciousness. Maybe the blanket was tangled again, that could be why he felt trapped. Shadows...Shadows weeping for him. Why did they look familiar? A girl...and a boy...but he didn't know them...Not right then, anyway. He struggled some more. Last time he had almost ripped the blanket trying to free himself. He felt so...trapped...Other shadows trying to suffocate him...
He woke, sitting bolt upright, hearing his own harsh breath rasp in his ears. He threw the blanket off, emitted a wheeze then coughed for a good two minutes before finishing with a sniffle. He then groped blindly for the table beside the bed, at last finding the slightly battered photo of him and his father. It was still warped from when he had run a damp cloth over it to clean off the blood he had unintentionally placed on it. In the near-dark he traced it now with his bandaged finger.
"Are you haunting my dreams, Father?" he whispered. "That boy looked like you, but he wasn't you..." He continued to lean over the picture, letting only his harsh breathing fill the silence. He felt a twinge in his heart but he willed it away; the feeling always came when he thought of his father, but he was so tired of his heart hurting that he wanted to ignore it. However, it would not be disregarded. The pain twisted in his chest. He growled and leaned farther until he was nearly doubled over...with the photo clutched to his heart. Why...was this happening? He felt he should know, but the answer eluded him.
With an angry cry he threw down the photo, then, plowing his fingers through his hair, tried to will his thoughts into some type of order. There was something he should be remembering...something...He tugged his hair, inspiring a sting at the roots but not helping his memory any. Something? Someone? Or did it really matter? All that mattered now was teaching the colonies that they were wrong. All wrong. Like the way he felt now...He abruptly sat up rigid as a hazy vision filled his mind. Someone..? Heero..? Yes, he knew Heero. Something had happened to Heero that he hadn't seen yet had felt. But where? When? His eyes slid in and out of focus...
The memory faded as quickly as it came. Quatre grasped to recall more. He was interrupted by a knock on the door. Immediately his scowl returned. He lurched to his feet, unconcerned by how improper it would be to answer the door wearing only his undershirt and boxers. He blinked at the sudden light of the hallway, glaring balefully at the person standing there who took a few moments to come into focus. "What do you want? Don't you know what time it is?" he growled.
Alexis, clad in a white robe that hid her pink satin nightgown, looked at him pitifully in her usual act. "I was worried about you. After the incident with the photo, I couldn't help thinking it was my fault."
Surprisingly his glare was able to become even more hateful. "So to absolve your guilt you came to wake me up at some ridiculous time of the morning."
She hesitated as if realizing the stupidity of the action. Quatre sighed in disgust and slammed the door in her face. Alexis blinked then roused her own scowl. That little brat. I'll get him good, soon. She whirled to stalk away. She hadn't had a set reason to come bother him, anyway. She'd had a feeling he would already be awake, though, and orders were orders, so she figured she might as well be creative -- the less sleep he got, the less organized he would be the next day. It could allow for a few manipulations. She was starting to get bored waiting for the engineers to finish building the ZERO-type Wing, plus the adjustments to the system in her gundam were progressing at an annoyingly slow rate.
She still had another part of this mission to complete and it involved harrassing Quatre a bit further. She had almost gotten a chance with the photo incident...Alexis stopped in her tracks and glanced back down the hall toward his room. How pathetic of her to just turn away. Should have been more persistant, like catching the door before he could shut it. She stormed back down the hallway.
However, just as she reached the door, it opened. Quatre emerged, completely dressed. He was smoothing his vest just then. He roughly brushed past her, not sparing the slightest glance. She glared at his back, then called, "Where are you going?"
"To check on the engineers. Go back to bed."
Briefly she considered 'going back to bed' in his room. She would love to see his reaction but knew it wouldn't be wise. Instead she ran lightly to her room to get dressed. Might as well help check on the engineers. And maybe get another opportunity...
A short time later she strode into the hangar, nodding with approval at the four men gathered around the cockpit of the mostly-completed Wing upgrade. The other two would be in the capsule just outside the hangar exit where Thunderforce was stashed. Quatre didn't even know it was there. Boy Winner was currently perched behind the sighter of the twin buster rifle Wing would eventually be wielding. His sleeves were rolled up and he had an intense look on his perspiring face as he sorted and connected wires. The blueprint lay slightly crumpled behind him.
Alexis jogged over to the base of the gundam, where the engineers were climbing down to the floor. "Why is he doing that, and not you?"
The black-haired man answered with a shrug. "He said he wanted to make sure it was done right. Do you expect us to argue?"

"What could you accomplish? What could a child like you accomplish?"
Child.
You're nothing but a disobedient child.
Nothing.
Disobedient.
"Why don't you use your head..? ...Listen to your father..."
Listen.
Listen.
Quatre did listen. He listened to his own labored breathing as he attempted to lower the panel over the back of the sighter so that it fit properly; he wouldn't ask for help. He did listen. He listened to the angry tirade taken from reprimands scattered over a dozen years.
"Really, Father, it's wrong to think of a child as being completely incapable."
Child. Like I'm a helpless baby or something. His scowl deepened.
"What could a child like you accomplish?!"
Finally he slammed the panel into place with a growl. He didn't care if it drew attention.
"Think of a child...being completely incapable."
I'm not incapable. I don't need help! He grabbed the blueprint as he stood, wrinkling it further by crushing it in his grasp.
"What could you possibly accomplish?!"
I can -- I will accomplish a lot. And then you'll see, Father. You'll see that I was right all along. He resisted the urge to laugh, succeeding only so far as to utter a mere short-lived chuckle. It wouldn't take too much longer to complete this gundam. And then he would take care of outer space. And maybe straighten up earth after that...
He hopped down the side of the rifle. Too quickly. His left ankle suddenly turned, protesting the angle he landed on it. His balance was thrown sharply to the side. The blueprint flew from his hand as he desperately tried not to fall. He landed hard on his backside, striking his head on an unyielding part of the rifle. An improper word hissed out from between clenched teeth. And then Irina was standing over him, fear and concern in her eyes. If he hadn't thought the fall would kill her, he would have shoved her away -- right off the rifle.
Quatre fought to sit up, determined to not let her worry about him. He didn't need help. Except that sitting up wasn't a good idea because she immediately pounced to hold a white cloth against the back of his head. It was this motion that suddenly made him feel the odd warmth on the spot. Bleeding. He pushed her hand away so he could hold the cloth himself. "Go away. I'll be fine."
"But you can't wrap that yourself." She sounded like she was whining. He narrowed his eyes at her then cautiously climbed the rest of the way to the floor. He didn't want her sympathy. And he didn't need her help.

It was sometime later, after the bleeding stopped -- it was only a small cut after all -- that he played the scene back in his mind and realized he had hit a solid panel. So what, then, had he cut himself on?

"Did you get the sample?"
"No."
The aging face on the small screen of her comm glared at her. She glared back.
"What is so difficult about this?"
"I thought the timing was perfect, but he didn't cooperate. He looked like he wanted to kill me. I can't work with that."
The man scowled further. Then the comm abruptly disconnected. Alexis swore quietly and threw it across the room. Leaving her to her own devices, was that it? She got to her feet and retrieved the comm. Fine then. She would play this game her way.

Alexis followed the sound of tapping keys to the computer room above the hangar. She warily eyed the monitor proclaiming unceasing statistics. She knew it meant only one thing: Quatre's gundam was almost complete. All it needed was a pilot.
And the cockpit system activated.
She hid a smile; Thunderforce's system upgrade had been completed two days earlier. She stepped up behind where Quatre sat, not attempting to be silent since she also knew he was well aware of her presence. "Ready for a test flight?" He didn't respond. "How about a test fight?" She moved to lean back against the counter beside the computer.
Quatre didn't look up from his typing. "With that suit you thought you were hiding?"
She went completely still, viciously struggling to keep a scowl off her face. How is it that he found out everything, save for recognizing her? Gratitude for small miracles, she thought to herself dryly. Can't recognize something that isn't there, anyway. Kindness wasn't in the design specs. "Yes," she said as calmly as she could manage. "It's inferior to yours, but I would like to test it anyway."
"Fine." He stood. "We can test it now."
"Now? Right this minute?" She couldn't help it. She choked on the words. She was not prepared to take on this unstable boy with the ZERO system still not completely refined; it needed one more day.
"Yes. As a gundam pilot, you should be prepared at any moment to fight." He looked at her dismissively. "Or are you not ready?"
"O-of course I am" She forced the anger from her tone. Her hand slipped to her back pocket.
"Good. I'll meet you down there." His voice was clipped; he meant she had only minutes to get organized. Maybe seconds. As soon as he cleared the doorway she turned and whipped out her comm. When his footsteps retreated a safe enough distance she punched in a command and hissed, "Deactivate ZERO. The suit can run a regular sys. We have a problem. It's on its way down to you."

Twenty minutes later Alexis sat in Thunderforce's cockpit encased in a stifling black and green spacesuit. She disregarded the helmet lying behind her seat. This should be a piece of cake. She tapped various buttons, checking over the system one last time. She had yet to activate her version of ZERO. She figured she wouldn't need it yet. Or so she hoped. She had thought she'd caught a glimpse of Quatre grinning as he slipped inside his gundam. For no uncertain reason that worried her.
He's a madman. I agreed to fight a madman. She paused in hitting buttons. I must be mad. With a sigh she finished the last check.
The comm crackled. "Ready?" Quatre's voice asked. He sounded anxious. She could just see the bloodthirsty glow in his eyes. She shook off the image.
"Roger." She flicked a switch and brought Thunderforce's heat mace to bear. Quatre had scoffed at the primitive-looking weapon. Just wait till he saw what else it could do besides look clunky and spiky... At a signal from her the engineers opened the hangar door. Being closest she exited first but it only took a few moments for WingZero to streak ahead. Alexis glared at the proverbial dust she was eating. Curse those verniers. She would have to improvise to keep up with the other suit's superior mobility. If -- When she returned she would have to see about modifying TF's thrusters.
Their destination was a small asteroid field which lay far enough from the colony that they wouldn't be easily noticed. The asteroids were more the targets than each other. Alexis was annoyed with herself for being grateful for that fact; but she knew Wing would be an inconvenience. And she cursed herself for helping to build the damn thing.
Quatre reached the field first. He left the buster rifle in the shield, choosing to draw a beam saber to get a feel for the weapon which just wasn't a heat shorter but would have to do. He busied himself with dicing asteroids while waiting for Thunderforce to catch up. "Your suit is too slow," he criticized over the comm.
Alexis scowled and kept the comm off as she muttered, "No, yours is too fast." She took a practice swing with the mace. The unfortunate rock she hit shattered to dust. A tenseness that was tangible came from the comm. She allowed herself a brief smile. Any more ridiculing would have been delivered in an uneasy manner. Time to get down to business. She drew a cylindrical stick from a compartment in TF's side skift armor. It fit neatly into the gundam's hand which hid it from obvious view. She drew back the arm and flung the dart at the nearest asteroid. A faint ripple appeared on radar, and then the asteroid exploded. There was a long pause, then Quatre's voice, stiff: "What was that?"
"Long range weapon," Alexis replied with a smirk in her tone. She didn't mention that the dart could propel itself, nor that it had a homing device -- since it couldn't be destroyed by its own sonic force it was reusable once it rechanged -- nor that she had three more just like it. She took the mace to a few more of the larger rocks, waiting for the notice alert that the dart was back in place before she turned and took an unannounced swing at WingZero.
The beam saber was raised clumsily to block the blow. "What are you doing?!" Quatre demanded.
"You wanted a fight, didn't you? Did you think I would wait for you to make the first move?" As if she had been catering to him this entire time.
He hissed something incoherent. The beam saber twisted and began to push the mace back. Thunderforce drew away then whipped the mace out hard. WingZero's verniers snapped open and threw the suit out of reach -- then went diving back in, saber leading. The speed behind the blow drove Thunderforce backward. Alexis clenched her teeth and resisted the urge to turn the mace and use the other end of the staff. She had to save her trump card for a real battle; after all, she didn't want to kill Quatre. Well...maybe. But that would have to wait. So instead she began to swing the mace in quick, controlled jerks that fended off the saber rather well. Perhaps too well. WingZero's motions started to become more wild.
A growl of frustration came over the comm. The saber was abruptly dropped. The buster rifle came up. Alexis blinked. Something kicked in automatically in Thunderforce and the suit rocketed upward. The rifle fired. Some twenty-odd asteroids that had been behind TF were incinerated.
Alexis flicked the comm on. "Shit." Flicked it off.
Time seemed to freeze. Then came Quatre's voice, very calm. "Perfect." The rifle was returned to the shield. The beam saber was retrieved. And Alexis realized that there was too much power in the hands of a boy who had lost his mind.
Wing began to turn. "Go back to the colony. I have work to do, and your help is no longer needed."
Oh no you don't! She steered Thunderforce to go straight over him, dart in hand. "You can't yet. We need to check how the output was affected. We needed one more day to perfect the suit, after all." She didn't wait for his response. In an unnoticed move she deposited the dart on Wing's shoulder as she went by. It would have little more than the desired effect on that gundam, which was to cause the minor explosion that followed shortly; there was but a dent in the shoulder guard.
However, what she didn't know was that Quatre had felt the vibration that preceded the explosion. It jiggled the cockpit, but in his mind it jarred loose a memory. He froze as he mulled over the memory, yet it began to retreat almost immediately. He would worry about that later. There seemed to be a greater concern right now. "What was that?"
"I warned you. One of the shoulder thrusters just went. Output was probably too much. We'll need another day to modify that."
"I'm not getting a read-out on that...Wait. I can't confirm system status at all."
Of course he couldn't. She had jammed Wing's commands from the sys link in TF. "Well, I can see it from here."
"Fine," Quatre said hollowly. "The mission will recommence in two days."
As they headed back to the colony, Alexis had to wonder: Who had assigned him this mission, anyway?

Quatre was minding his own business reviewing systems checks when Irina stormed into the computer room and plunked down a piece of paper in front of him. "What's this?" He glared up at her.
"A list of sites I researched. These are the places where Oz has stashed -- and mounted -- the most weaponry. I thought you might find it useful.
"In order from greatest artillery to least, I assume?"
"Yes."
His gaze skimmed the page. At the top was Colony 06-E3. Alexis had to hide a smile of glee as he nodded. But then his face darkened. "I already have two sites targeted first. These will wait." There was a dangerous gleam in his eyes. She didn't like it one bit.

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(c) 2000-2004 Autumn Loweck. This work may not be copied, distributed, or reprinted without the author's permission. Characters of Alexis/Irina and mecha ThunderForce are property of Autumn Loweck (aka Shiri) and may not be "borrowed" or mentioned in other works without notifying the author first. Characters of Quatre R. Winner, Iria, OZ, and WingZERO belong to the creators of the GundamWing series, Sotsu Agency, Sunrise, Bandai, and whoever else in Japan involved in this most cool anime.